that’s really how it is
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New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
I just checked Web MD and I have everything
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
Employees must applaud the planets.
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
Why is this me 😫
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
Hmmmmm