You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
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I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
Haha! 😂
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
be careful
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
Have a lovely day 😊
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.