In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
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Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.