Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
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*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.