The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
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[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.