“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
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Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad