Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
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*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
#SCOTUS one-star review
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*