Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
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[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)