“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
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My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
Starting a small business is too hard. I’m just going to start a big business then wait for some of it to fail
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow