[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
You Might Also Like
Hit me in the face with a bird
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
In Canada they just call them geese
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this