When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
You Might Also Like
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
Dune (2021)
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
It’s actually Dr. whatever
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
wtf is a larm clock?
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil