Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
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interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
Still my favourite meme.
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.