so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
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Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
E
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e
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ᴱ
ᴱ
ᴱ
ᴱ
ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet