shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
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I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.