“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
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I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob