I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
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Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
Said the murderer.
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
ghosts: let’s only try to be seen by everyone’s aunts & no one else
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.
Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.
They’re the only thing
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions