[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
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I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.