HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
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At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
Lmfao
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.