[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
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That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???