If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
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It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
A dead goose is called a ghoost
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
A short story about romance.
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!