i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
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her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
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#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.