Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
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I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt
bf: ur what
me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok
bf: the what
me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—
bf: wh—
me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy