[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
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dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
Reporter: *ports again*
Gross if literal…Liverpool
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No