[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
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I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what