I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
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“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
A leaf blower, but for people.
what the hell pray for carter everyone
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.