Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
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Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
any last words?
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.