Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
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You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
choose your fighter
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
something like this could probably happen to anyone
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.