My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
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My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick