Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
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Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
This dude got his own movie?
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later