Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
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6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
cyclists
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”