3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
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[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
and this one
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Thanks to a fan for this one!
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.