Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
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I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
My diet starts in January
of 2027
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
#parenting
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?