Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
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To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
Extremely relatable.
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?