[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
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DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
where do you see yourself in five years?
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that