I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
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[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
(driving in a bad neighborhood)
me: *slowly locks my door*
murderer in backseat: *slowly locks their door*
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there