“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
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God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
lost dog
Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
Mmmm canned fish.
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.