The future is now.
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toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
Note to self: always read the final line
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.