Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
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Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
Um … Hot Wings please
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it