20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
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What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
That eye roll….
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.