To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
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Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.