me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
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Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”