Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
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Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
Meow
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*