My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
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*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
Still my favourite meme.
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”