When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
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I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone
ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?
ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.