When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
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Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
yeah not falling for this one
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
lmfao
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?