Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
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The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
*has no idea what a book even is*
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
British people be like I’m Bri ish
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]