Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
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Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.