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Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.