that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
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[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
Jesus Christ lmao
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭