When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
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there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
Introverted vegans go meetless
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.